Why Arcade Fire’s new album “The Suburbs” sucks it hard

Two days ago I was kayaking on Lake Champlain with a friend I’m not athletic and have a terrible fear of water. But I tried to man up. As his account goes:

I decided to do a swim that I normally do, (about 2.2 miles) despite the inclement weather. Swimming to the Lone Rock Pt. we [Charles and Zack] made it in great time under peaceful conditions. “This is great!” We thought to ourselves. As I reached up and touched the rock to start swimming the heavens let loose and started to down pour and the wind began to pick up.
The sky darkened a little more and the rain began pick up. It was beginning to be disconcerting having the wrath of a Vermont storm-cloud lurking behind me while.

I was still 1500 yards from shore. Right as I start to swim again, I hear thunder. “Charles did you hear that?” I asked with concern.“No, what was it?” He questioned, taking his ipod out of his ear!

400 yards to go – Lightning! BOOM CRASH! “I just saw a huge plume of lightening right by the shore!” Charles yells. In do or die mode(literally) and with a last burst of energy I give it everything I have and swim for my life directly towards the rocky shore line and safety.
Safe on the rocky shore we laugh to each other.

The rain dies down, so Charles and I reluctantly get back into the water for the final 200 yards. Within moments the rain picks back up again. “F*&#” I grunt to myself as my lactic acid filled arms churn towards the dock. Through the splash of the waves around me I think I hear Charles yelling!

“Get the spshblupblup, out of the blupblupblup water”
“Huh?” I pick my head up again.
“There’s more lightening HURRY THE FUCK UP!” Charles screams!

I will ruin the ending for you: We survived merely so that I could continue blogging. God works in mysterious and hateful ways. My friend thankfully left out the part where I cried for my mom and pissed my water-soaked shorts.

During this entire ordeal, as you may have read, I had my iPod in my ear. I was listening to Arcade Fire’s new album The Suburbs. You’d think their new album would be prime for this Perfect-Storm-meets-Ernest-Hemmingway situation.

But The Suburbs sucks. It’s wonderful background music for my gay hipster friend’s neice’s gay hipster wedding. But it’s worthless beyond that. Worthless.

I’m giving this garbage 2 out of 5 Hall and Oates. Only because it’s better than Beiber and I now have memories with it. Oh yeah, also The Suburb and We Used to Wait are the only tracks worth mentioning.