Living without a prayer or a smartphone

Fuckin-a. People say that living off of your parents is cheap and easy. Maybe for the Duckman. But I’m still in college and still ‘forced’ to have my parents pay for my phone bill. And I’m not a trust-fund hipster. I was only allowed texting last year. Do you know who first started texting in 2009? 7 year old children. And me. Then my parents wonder why I can’t bring home a nice Jewish girl.

On top of that, they refuse to buy me a smartphone with a data plan. I feel terribly out of place everywhere I go. I still spend hours daily, pouring over obscure movie and music trivia facts, just so I can impress people with my obscure and bourgeoisie sophistication. Having a pretty face just isn’t enough to get by these days. But now all my friends call me out when I make a mistake. Who cares if it was Louis XII who was called ‘Le Père du Peuple’, and not James Earl Jones.

I heard rumors about this foursquare program that all the cool kids are using. I don’t know what it is. I know it’s not that amazing childhood sport that hipsters like myself still play. I do know that I can’t become the ‘Mayor’ of my local divebar, which means no free gravy fries with my $20 Monday night tab. I’m told all the cool kids use it to update their Twatter accounts, but I can barely understand how the Hipsterjew Twat works.

Look, this is pretty frickin embarrassing but I’m going to trust you wont tell any of my friends….I still have to print out Googlemaps for directions. The Duckman tells me most people use an ‘app’ for that, which I think is short for Apple Macintosh Computer.

Readers, all I want is a iPhone 4G. I wont complain about how shitty the service is. Ok, that’s a lie — it’s the reason I have this blog. But I’d appreciate it helluva lot more than you do. And it’s extremely hard to keep up on my Yahoo! News Updates (for the keywords ‘Jews’, ‘Hipsters’, ‘Williamsburg’, ‘Israel’, and ‘Bar Rafaeli naked’) without a 24/7 connection.