Israel loses world record in only sport they are reasonable at

Do you know what this is? Of course you do.

I’m kinda of upset by this bullshit. It’s just another Israel/Arab rivalry and I’m tired of it. Mainly because there are worldly proportions and consequences hanging in the balance. What am I talking about? The Lebanon/Israel Humus conflict, that’s what.

In a stunning turnaround, last year Israel held the record by making 4 tons of hummus. Most likely they sold it all to Sabra, but I can only guess how many cans of Goya chickpeas were used. The numbers would literally blow your mind. BUT, Lebanon was all like ‘awww no dawg, that record is mine!’ And Israel responded ‘I dare ya to try it, biooootch!” So Lebanon set out to prove them wrong.

They got 300 falafel chefs, promised them gloating rights, and set about making the worlds largest vat of hummus. They made so much hummus that is Israel’s world record was like Moses, than Lebanon would be God. And it turns out God is 2.5 times more powerful than Moses.

Lebanon produced 10 fricken tons of hummus. That’s like a billion pounds, give or take. Israel, step up your game. Your past work was Bush League, and you know it. Making hummus was the one thing you were decent at, the one reason Jews, Christians, and Muslims come to Israel in swarms every year. You got shown up, and don’t be surprised if next year the Pope goes to Beirut for the Last Supper, all because ‘their hummus was more dank’. You don’t need that kind of rep.

So get your act together, and work harder at this hummus making. It’s not like you have any real sports or World Records to take care of. I also wonder if there are taste requirements to this hummus, or if they just get a few hundred men together to mash chickpeas. I know a machine that’ll do it quicker.

I was going to show a video of the 10 tons of hummus, but watching people work is boring. And you have the interweb if you want to see that. Instead, I’ll post a video with some dude rapping about how amazing hummus is. Ah, finally a good use of the internet.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when I’ll tell you why Israeli Ga-Ga should become the new Hipster sport.