Pat Robertson and the flooding of Rhode Island – a Hipster Jew perspective

Pat Robertson, when not looking at kiddie porn or reading hipsterjew, enjoys finding new ways  to blame natural disasters on the victims’ lack of faith in Jesus.  Most recently, he has claimed that Haiti’s  earthquake occurred because Jesus was mad at Haitians’ ancestors for signing a pact with the Devil, and that hurricane Katrina was an expression of God’s wrath due to our country’s legal policy on abortion (hey, if I’m gonna capitalize ‘Jesus’ and ‘Pat Robertson,’ you better be damn sure I’m gonna capitalize ‘Devil,’ an entity that has inspired WAY better music than the previously mentioned entities ever could).

Now, as I’m sure you know from reading the news this past week, Rhode Island had some nasty, nasty flooding.  The governor even had to call Obama and ask for help from FEMA.  But – did you know that three of the Hipster Jews that write for this damp-rag-of-a-blog were actually born and grew up in Rhode Island?   Its true.   We have accumulated about 51 total formative years between us in the ‘biggest littlest state in the Union.’  And all we have to show for it is terrible hygiene.  I’m not even kidding.

So lets put 2 and 2 together  and ask ourselves:  what would ol’ Pat have to say about the flooding in lil’ Rhody?  At first guess, you might say that he’d blame it on everyone voting multiple times for a corrupt mayor, or the large presence of the mafia, or State Representative Patrick Kennedy’s lenient views on abortion…

But I’m going to disagree.  I think that the only “logical” entity for Pat Robertson to blame for the flooding is right underneath your shnozz – HIPSTER JEW.

Why would the flooding actually occur on passover?

JEW

And why would Jesus choose water as his means of destruction (as opposed to a hurricane, sand storm, or forced re-runs of ‘The Simple Life”), water being the closest known element to PBR??

HIPSTER.

Put them together and what do you have?

A very convenient place for ol’ Pat to lay blame.  And hey, if it’ll bring web traffic to this collection of literary ramblings by idiots who aren’t even smart enough to be pretentious – we’ll gladly play along.