O Canada: America’s Jewish Pal

This year, the Olympics are in Vancouver. Which, as you might recall, is also in Canada. Americans and Canadians often have a hard time relating, although there’s no real discernible difference between the two groups to outsiders. It’s probably something to do with America winning everything (i.e. our latest hockey game, 5-3 USA). So, I thought I’d take some time to explain how this happened.

Canada is the Jewish kid to America’s WASP. And I know what you’re thinking. That’s ridiculous. Israel is clearly the Jewish kid. But you’re wrong. Israel is the short Italian kid who wears a white muscle shirt and gold necklaces. You know the type, deeply religious and gets into lots of fights. Canada is American’s Jewish friend. And not “friend” as in best buddies, going over each others’ houses, knocking back a few beers, trading stories of their glory days together kind of “friend.” But “friend” like when you’re telling a story about someone you kinda know but not too well, and you call them your “friend” because it’s easier to say than “acquaintance.”

Think about it. The Canadians don’t celebrate the “normal” holidays that we Americans do, and if they do, they’re at weird times. For instance, on July 1st, they celebrate “Canada Day” which is the Hanukkah to the Fourth of July’s Christmas. It’s basically the anniversary of the formation of Canada, but unlike America, which knows that the Fourth of July means parades, barbecue, and fireworks, the Canadians don’t always do the same thing. They change it up. Because they’re crazy socialists. They have another holiday called “Boxing Day,” the day after Christmas. They also have something called “Victoria Day” in May, which is about who knows what. Something foreign, you can be sure.

Like a lot of Jews in America, Canada tries to keep a low-profile, keeping its head down, working hard, living along the margins of a larger, more aggressive, culture. And by-and-large, it’s been a success story for Canada. They got independence from Britain by working the political system, rather than having a big war, like we did. It took them a lot longer, but hey, you can’t argue with results. They haven’t had a ton of major crises or political upheavals, they start and become involved in fewer wars, and their political battles aren’t interesting and include fewer sweeping denouncements of the other side as a cancer that must be wiped out than our political battles. If England were a Jewish mother and America and Canada were her children, America would be the kid who runs off to Hollywood and hits it big while denying his Jewish roots, while Canada would be the long suffering responsible one that stays close to home, gets a steady job, doesn’t rock the boat, but is still kind of a disappointment. You know, he’s not as exceptional as the disobedient son.

The only time Canada seems like a problem is when America makes it a problem. Like during the health care debate, when some politicians felt that Canada’s health care system comprised entirely of people who prescribed cough drops for cancer. In the United States, no one ever seems to notice there even is a Jewish population, except when someone loses an election or doesn’t get a job. And then we know whose fault it is: the Jews.

Sometimes Canadians see all that excitement going on south of the border, and they’re drawn to it, like moths to a flame, just like Gentile culture has drawn in the Jewish. Of course, they assimilate, so as not to draw attention to themselves, but the fact is there are hundreds of Canadians who pass for Americans among our celebrities, especially our actors. Keanu Reeves, Ryan Gosling, Christopher Plummer, Neve Cambell, Elisha Cuthbert, Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carrey – they all have one thing in common: Canadian. But you’d never know it. Just like Jewish actors change their names to past unnoticed. Woody Allen and Mel Brooks were Allen Konigsberg and Mel Kaminksy when they were born (although, in Woody and Mel’s cases, they would’ve needed to do a lot more than change their names if they had really wanted to not be considered Jewish).

So, yeah, Canada. Jewish. You’re supposed to end things by summarizing your message, so I guess I’ll just put it like this: When you hate on Canada, you’re an anti-Semite.