Ten Things You Should Know Before Being an Audience Member on The Daily Show

Ethan Water recently posted an article called Ten Things You Should Know Before Going on The Daily Show . It’s a humorous look at his anxieties and his dislike for The Daily Show Machine.

After being a member of the audience a week ago, here is my own list of what audience members should know before ordering their tickets:

1. The Daily Show needs a full crowd. About 80 seats must be filled. So to screw you over, they over book every show. Get there early. The show starts taping at 6pm. Audience members are let in at around 4:45pm. You should be there by 3pm. You will be safe from rain and snow, but the cold and heat while waiting can be brutal. And Stewart’s interns don’t give a damn.

2. Security is a bitch. One metal detector. Cell phones off. No photos or they will smash your camera. No chewing gum, eating or drinking. Also expect a three finger anal probe.

3. You drank a cup of (ice) coffee outside to keep warm (cool) while waiting outside. You have now passed the metal detector and need to take a wicked piss. Too bad. No lie. Too fucking bad.

4. You will continue to sit there for an undisclosed amount of time, cross legged, taking your mind off all things liquid. Music that you listened to in junior high school is played over the speakers. Each song gets louder and louder. You try looking at the time but you have no watch (remember, no cell phones). No one else has a watch, its 2010. What seems like an hour passes by.

5. No writing of any kind. Yeah. I think they make rules up as they go along. No matter how bored you are, you can not take out a pen and paper. Just listen to the God damn music.

6. A warm up comic comes out. You don’t know him. He uses recycled jokes from last month’s China – Google scandal. You laugh at his inability to prepare for such a gig. So he starts to make fun of the crowd and everyone is happy.

7. You have to remember that you are “the audience.” It is your job to laugh, cry, ‘awwww’, and any other role that an “audience” takes on. To put the audience in that mindset, the comic stated one simple, yet important fact. Exaggerate everything you do. That is your job. That is why it’s free to go to The Daily Show. I understood perfectly how to act after this follow-up statement. You know when you’re on a date with a chick that much hotter than you. You laugh at anything she says and you exaggerate it in hopes of getting a second date. Pretend Jon Stewart is your much hotter date. The difference between a real date and this show? You will have a producer coach you on when you should laugh, clap, stop, etc.

8. The big man, Jon Stewart, comes out and answers some of the lesser important questions. Of course you’re sitting in front of the dumb bitch that asks Stewart to serenade her.
I personally was going to ask Stewart if ever thought about making a Death to Smoochie 2. Possibly make it a zombie movie too. But you can’t follow a guy that asks if Stewart got the tour at Fox News after the Bill O’Reilly interview.

9. As the show starts, you will not hear many things that Jon says. His voice is low and the crowd is loud. You can’t actually hear him say ‘stop’ but rather, again, the producer conducts you. You also have an 85% chance that at one point during the show, a camera will obstruct your view. Let me repeat this. There is a good chance you will hear very little of what is being said, and you possibly won’t see anything live due to camera obstruction. But don’t forget to laugh.

10. When its all over, Jon Stewart comes back out, says a joke, thanks everyone, then everyone leaves feeling like Stewart won’t call back for a second date.

I saw this shit live.

view the full episode episode here