Someone really needs to tell him these aren’t the Jews who will give him lots of money and help him win elections. You did this last year Rick and it didn’t win you anything then. Quit while you’re still a douche. #sorrybutnotsorrychabad
#messianicsuperjews

If you haven’t read through our archives, we here at Hipsterjew have very strong feelings about parodies. (You have one? Don’t fucking record it. Unless it’s so good that the world will thank you.)

For some reason people love Hanukkah Parodies. Like I feel like I should trademark the phrase ‘Hanukkah Parodies’ there’s been so many. So many Jewish parodies of Jewish holidays. And people still love them. And I am left to wonder how Jewish people became some engrained in the entertainment industry if this is the shit that people seem to enjoy.

Also, why does it always have to be a group of men? Like I get when you’re religious you can’t listen to any women above the age of 11 sing (which is weird and creepy, but a topic for another day). Why can’t it be a group of women, or a mixed group? And why it is almost always acapella? Didn’t every Jew take some sort of music lessons as a kid because sports are taxing and scary? I guess because then they can sing in Synagogue and finally make it almost bearable? (If you’ve ever been to an Orthodox shul and people sand acapella instead of the typical grumble-singing, please email me so I can call you a liar).

If people don’t know what Hanukkah is about, it’s about a bunch of bros singing some parody songs for fun. If this song shows anything it’s that there’s a huge gap when it comes to bearable Hanukkah songs. Maybe next year the Hanukkah Miracle could be that I don’t hear a parody. Until then….I guess I’ll just…shake it off.

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Sarah Silverman’s sister, Rabbi Susan Silverman, was arrested at the Western Wall early last year after refusing to remove her prayer shawl. Susan is a member of Women of the Wall, a feminist organization trying to ensure that all types of Jews are welcome to pray at this holy site in their own fashion. And last night Sarah Silverman joined her sister and lit a menorah as a proverbial ‘fuck you’ to the religious extremists that are in charge of the wall. Sarah’s in town for the Bar Mitzvah of her nephew, so she’s awesome for being a great aunt and a supporter of equality within Judaism (wherever possible).

Happy Hanukkah, Sarah. We hope you can light whatever you want at the Wall, whether it’s a menorah, or joint, or a joint in the shape of a menorah.

//FailedMessiah

Rejoice Jewish Harry Potter fans! One of our own has been eating Bertie Botts while fighting alongside Dumbledore’s Army.

I take it back, New Modest Mouse song is pretty good

I know I just wrote a post exclaiming that I only use Spotify to listen to music, but as of today, that is over. I will no longer be using spotify.

That sucks.

Spotify is a great service for music listeners. While it may not have everything, it has most things. And that’s good enough for your day to day listening. But I am having some problems with their ads.

Ad?!? Well why don’t you just fucking pay for a subscription, asshole?

While I was on my road trip, I had paid for a spotify subscription. It was amazing considering my phone had no space on it and I didn’t have enough money to buy an ipod classic (now valued at over $1000). I could listen to whatever, whenever. I had my 3000+ song playlists and a mediocre list of spotify radio stations. But I am not listening to spotify as much as I used to. And I can not justify spending $120 a year on music at this moment in my life.

Well what about that deal they have? $.99 for three month! You can easily listen to music that way and decide if it’s worth is again… idiot

Unfortunately, because I already paid for Spotify, I am not allowed to partake in this wonderful deal.

Okay… fine… how bad are these ads, really? Why are they so terrible you’re running away?

spotify long ad

I understand why Spotify must make me listen to ads. I am okay listening to ads. But I have been having a few problems with the ads. First one is content.

Spotify knows exactly what I listen to. They know when I listen to it. They know how much of it I listen to, and when I skip a song, or a genre right away. The ads that I am getting are no where near what I listen to. It’s like they’re telling me “You got drunk one night and listened to that D12 song which had Eminem as the lead. Eminem had a girl in one of videos that also went to 1st grade with this Christian Rock singer. So we hope you like this 30 second clip from their next hit song played over and over for the next week!

My second problem is the amount of ads being played.

Three months ago, I’d hear one or two ads every 30-45 minutes. They would last a total of 30 seconds. Two months ago, I’d hear 3-4 ads ever 25-30 minutes. They would last a total of 2 minutes. Last month I started hearing 6 ads every 25 minutes. They would last 3 minutes. That’s annoying, but fine, I understand.

Today I heard an entire 4 minute song as an ad. And then two 30 second ads after it. That is completely unacceptable. The song was shit. It doesn’t come close to anything I listen to. I feel used. I feel abused. I am done. It is over. Goodbye Spotify.

UPDATE: according to a Reddit user, the ad was a mistake. “Sorry, there was a problem with our ads targeting. It’s being fixed.” Considering the fact that their ad targeting is way off, I don’t believe it for a second.

As 2014 comes to a close, everyone and everything will be posting their reviews of the past year. Instead of judging others, I decided to judge myself. And what better way than with Spotify’s “Year in Review” page?

For the past year in a half, I have almost solely used streaming services to listen to music. I had been using a broken iPhone 4 with only 8gb of space. I was literally deleting photos to take photos. There was no way I could carry my own music around. Streaming has been great for me. But there are a few things I do miss. I know I always complain about this, but it does bother me that Drag City is not on Spotify. That is one of my favorite record labels. I love Bill Callahan and Silver Jews. What bothers me more so is that when I buy Drag City albums on vinyl, they won’t even give you a download code. What the hell dudes… /end rant.

So with that being said, let’s go ahead and judge my taste in music.

spotify-kind

There numbers are meaningless to me. The way they categorize different types of songs is meaningless to me too. Whats alt? Whats indie? Honestly, I thought I listened to more hip hop than this is showing. If anyone told me to “listen to this great band, its alternative dance music” I would probably punch them in the face.

spotify-topartist

Lets get more to the meat of my music. My top artists. To me, its extremely a predictable list. The top three are my 3 favorite bands. They’re all I pretty much listen to. Because of that, I have no idea why The Strokes and Devendra Banhart are on this list. Sure, I have both of them on the one playlist I listen to, but I didnt think I listened to them that much? I mean really. Who wants to listen to both of those bands? Thats way too typical. Ew. Cmon. It has to be a mistake. Please dont make fun of me.

spotify-topalbum

Top albums, I am a little more comfortable with. Last summer I fell in love with channel ORANGE. Seriously. Why did it take me so long to listen to this album? I can’t stop listening to it. This summer I fell in love with Vampire Weekend (I’m so late). And in the winter/fall/spring I listen to depressing music like Electrelane’s Axes and The Walkmen’s everything. I’m so predictable to myself.

spotify-season

Speaking of seasons… this is again, extremely predicable. In depressing music in the cold. Dancey music in the summer. Man, you could just put my face on a t-shirt and sell it, I’m so predictable.

spotify-Top-10

Now this is cute. My top ten songs:
1. Jew
2. Jew
3. Song I listened to in high school and just rediscovered
4. Jew
5. Same song I listened to in high school, but slightly different
6. Fav Band
7. Jew
8. Fav Band
9. Fav Album
10. Jew

I am like a caricature of the “Hipster Jew”. I disgust me.

spotify-howlong

Now for the final piece…

I have spend about 22 days listening to music. How is it that low? I know I spent the first 6 months not listening to much of anything. It was a bad 6 months. But Ive been working for three months and have been listening to music every day for 8+ hours. Okay, well, when I put it that way it does make sense. Well thats kind of sad….

hall-oates-onehalf-star
My year in music totally blew. I give it 1.5 Halls out of 5 Oates

menorah-tree
Sometimes it’s all about compromising. One reddit user’s solution to the multidenominational household. May I present: the Menorahtree

classify-craigslist-final-hed-2014

Dope
Sick Location
Cheap
Steal
Cozy
No Guests
Broker Fee
Agency
For Real
No OVERNIGHT Guests
Rad
*blurry photos* (it’s 2014… why does it look like every picture was taken with a razor phone?)
Females only

Watching these grandmas smoke weed for the first time makes me wonder… Have any of you ever smoked weed with your Bubbe? Was it secretly in the bathroom at shul no one ever goes in? Or did you watch her pass around a bowl at the old age home? I would love to hear stories if you have any!