Last night Real Estate made their network debut! They played “Talking Backwards” off of their new album Atlas on Letterman!

Check out our interview with Alex Bleeker of Real Estate / Alex Bleeker and the Freaks

need-to-feed

Our favorite Rhode Island band, Roz and the Rice Cakes, have come out with a new album titled Need To Feed (produced by Low Anthem). Some of you were wonderful enough to support this new album and helped overfund it. For those that didn’t, you should still check out Need To Feed on their bandcamp page.

To start off, I think the entire album is great, probably their best work yet (and that means a lot considering we loved their past albums), I absolutely love the title track “Need To Feed.” I can clearly picture this song being played during one of the many, many times I’ve been able to see The Rice Cakes perform at Firehouse 13. It’s a song that seems to fit perfectly with this band, yet seems different from their previous work. Most of the tracks on this album feels like a healthy departure from their earlier work. They’re able to walk the line of being bit darker and a bit lighter on the same track. “Simile Like Me” takes this a bit further. It’s nothing I ever expected The Rice Cakes to make, and I absolutely love it.

In the meantime, if you live in the North East, check out one of their upcoming shows.

apr 11 @ New Brunswick, NJ @ Candy Barrel w/ Party Cops, City Limits, Sea Creature, Terrible Terrible

apr 12 @ Boston, MA / FABRIK w/ GYMSHORTS, BATTLEHOUSE

apr 18 @ New London, CT / 33 Golden w/ King Sickabilly

apr 19 @ Philadelphia, PA / The Bubble Bowl

apr 25 @ New Paltz, NY / QUINNS

Billy on the Street didn’t need to hand out dollars to understand that everyone wants to have sex with Paul Rudd. In fact, I’m sure you’d pay good money to have sex with Paul Rudd. I mean, who doesn’t want to have sex with Paul Rudd? He was so dreamy in Wet Hot American Summer. Actually he is dreamy in everything he’s ever done. Even this Funny or Die video.

Make love to me Paul Rudd.

I’m from Rhode Island. This means many different things. I like Dell’s Lemonade, coffee milk, and I enjoy the mediocrity of Narragansett Beer (especially their coffee stout).

This also means that I, if for some fucked up, perverse reason wanted to, could marry my niece. It’s not just because of religious cults and Tay Sachs and making sure the bloodlines stay pure. It’s because Rhode Island made an exception for Jewish men to marry their nieces. And it’s still on the books today.

Only three states in the U.S. allow some form of niece/uncle marriage, and all of them have conditions. Minnesota and Colorado both allow it if it’s permitted by ‘aboriginal’ culture. I’m unsure if that means native, or ancient, or if it literally means the Aboriginal from Australia. Either way, that’s weird and oddly specific. I didn’t realize Minnesota and Colorado were flush in Aboriginals and Aboriginal uncle/niece troupes looking to tie the knot. Rhode island, on the other hand, allows Jews and only Jews to marry their creepy old uncles.

Marriages of kindred allowed by Jewish religion. – The provisions of §§ 15-1-2 and 15-1-3 shall not extend to, or in any way affect, any marriage which shall be solemnized among the Jewish people, within the degrees of affinity or consanguinity allowed by their religion.

All it would take is one crazy Jewish religious sect to interpret Scriptures to how they see fit and…bam! Old weirdos with smichas (Rabbinic ordination) can be even weirder.

Rhode Island’s Jewish incest laws were codified in 1798. It’s believed that the law was established to show how inviting RI was to Jews living outside of RI. This was in line with Roger William and Rhode Island’s overall views on religious diversity and freedom. The presence of Touro Synagogue in 1763, and the prestige of Jews involved in the early American slave trade certainly had some influence in colonial Rhode Island. So instead of guaranteeing regular religious freedoms, why not tack on some incestuous freedoms, maybe even one from Leviticus? Atleast in the 1700s and 1800s it was a bit less creepy to marry Uncle Shmuley.

You’d think this little-known law wouldn’t be used in modern times, just a record to look at and laugh at and giggle about how weird life used to be. Maybe an occasional Rhode Islander would use it, but it’s not like it could apply to out-of-state Jews, right? Rhode Island has the incest thing down pat. It’s ours and ours only, like a snowflake that likes to have sex with his snowflake relative, right?

Unless you’re a New York Jew, then it’s entirely legal to jump on the incest marriage wagon. A wagon that should have stayed horse-drawn and residing in 1796. Realistically, yeah, I doubt many people are looking for this kind of marriage. Unless you’re in some extreme Jewish cult, it’s not really a concern. (Are you in a Jewish cult? I’d love to interview you…)

Why doesn’t the RI state legislature close this loophole?

You’re really fucking weird sometimes, Rhode Island. (But I love you anyway.)

Read a very interesting scholarly article about this legal loophole, here.

Editor’s note:  If you follow any of this advice, you deserve both the audit you’ll get and the jail time you may serve.

Happy the Tax Unicorn

Happy the Tax Unicorn

.

Taxes are confusing to fill out.  To help you better prepare your tax forms, we here at Hipster Jew have put together a little step-by-step guide to aid you with this process.

Step 1:  Fill out your basic information.

Fill out your name and address.  If you are an urban pioneer living in a burned-out hulk that has not received mail since 1977, just use your parent’s address, after all, they are supporting you anyway.

Remember, you have at least 5 dependents no matter what.  Logically, this is because dependents starts with depend and Depend is a brand of diaper and that since as a child, you probably wore at least five diapers entitling you to claim at least five dependents.

Step 2:  Fill in the numbers from your W-2 form and tax withheld on the appropriate lines.

Or you could click here for a helpful random number generator.  Don’t worry; no one checks these things anyway.   A guy at a bar told me that once.

Step 3:  Add and subtract per the instructions on the form.

If you get bored, you could just draw a picture of a unicorn like the one above.

Step 4:  Determine the amount of tax or refund owed.

If you owe taxes, check to see if they IRS will accept payment in kind.  All that artisanal cheese you make in your drain pipes ought to be good for something, right?

If you are owed a refund, bike down to the local IRS office and refuse to leave until they cut you a refund check.

Step 5:  Relax secure in the knowledge that you filed your taxes.

Mmmm…low quality beer never tasted so good.

Too many of ye out there are worried about your “freedom of speech” and your “right to bear arms” (like to eat? I just don’t get the obsession with bear arms, like WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THEM?) What you should really be concerned about is your right to whip your hair back and forth.

The Interwebbers have been all up on their high horses because there’s this monster rumor going around that Kim Jong-un is making the lads of North Korea rock the same Macklemore ‘do he currently flaunts… on his evenings out with Dennis Rodman.

Dear G-d. What is the world coming to?

Kim Jong-un Apparently a world where this hairstyle is accepted as attractive

Luckily, this whole thing is just a rumor loosely based in facts. And Kim Jong-un isn’t besties with Obama (yet) so it’s not likely we will all have to shave our heads and dye them salt and pepper in solidarity with our Commander-in-Chief.  Unless we really want too. Because that’s our right as Americans, DAMNIT!.

It turns out, long hair for men is frowned upon by the North Korean government because it “stifles intellectual development” and “consumes a great deal of nutrition” . In the past there have a regulated 28 hairstyles (14 for men, 14 for women) that residents are obligated to have.

I almost wish our society was as great as that of Admirable and Powerful North Korea. Since they have time to coordinate everybody’s hair they must have sorted out issues like hunger and homelessness. Great job,  Brave and Benevolent Leader, Kim Jong-un!

 

 

Hipster-Seinfeld

What if Jerry was a techie? What if Elaine worked at a coffee shop? What if Kramer sat around his condo all day long while drying up his trust fund? What if George got a YOLO tattoo?

// r/brooklyn

Hello my dedicated ones of readers, it is I, the A-Train! I am sure at least someone may have wondered where I was over the past several years. The truth is not quite believable but I will do my best to tell it in unembellished form.

Approximately two years ago I worked as an “English” teacher. In between sips of Turkish coffee, I met a nice young man named [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] was a student studying nuclear physics. He and I got to talking, you know, about this and that, and I idly wondered how one might acquire several metric tons of fissile material. My companion was quite interested in this topic as well, but was particularly keen on acquiring plutonium-239, an isotope that is often used in nuclear weapons.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your vantage point, our discussion attracted the attention of several security officers who immediately rejected our explanation of the conversation being merely a harmless thought exercise. They were particularly fixated upon our detailed maps and plans of key security installations around that country. The security officers demanded that we come with them for questioning. Normally, I would have thought of a witty retort to avoid having to leave my seat, however their stun guns and clubs were extremely effective at preventing any devastating comeback.

Next thing I know I’m conscious with a pillow case over my head and [REDACTED].

[REDACTED].

[REDACTED] lying in a pool of blood. [REDACTED]

[REDACTED].

There was so much bat guano I thought I was going to be a millionaire if only the fertilizer barons didn’t get there first.

[REDACTED].

It was a truly amazing fishing trip, [REDACTED] caught the biggest largemouth bass I’ve ever seen.

[REDACTED].

[REDACTED].

And here I am today! It feels great to be back. I’ll tell more of this tale as I think of more euphemisms to describe the [REDACTED].

“What is about Jewish people that make (sic) them prosper financially?” asks conservative televangelist and hoverer-near-death Pat Robertson. His answer? Jews don’t fix their cars or mow their lawns, which leaves them more time for their primary occupation: Polishing diamonds. // Gawker

Pat Robinson Knows what Jews Do To Make $$$$

I was searching on Amazon for some items. I’m embarrassed to admit what they were. Okay, I’ll say it. I was looking for Pogs. It’s not what you think! I’m not addicted. I just wanted to bolster my collection. After not touching Pogs for the past 15 years, I wanted to teach my students the magic, simplicity, and the amazing art on Pogs. Aerodynamic. Pictures of Spiderman, or Sonic, or even Martin Luther King Jr.* Like milk caps, but without the feel of 1950s post-WWII penny-pinching, steeped in 1990s pop culture.

MLKjr Pog
*Yes, this is an MLK Jr Pog. That I own. Made for the Strom Thurmond racists.

This is when I happened upon a new version of Pogs.

Beer Pogz.

I had so many questions. A Pog drinking game? Why? How? Why a ‘z’ at the end of Pogs? How badly are we pining for nostalgia these days? Besides for the fact you should never NEED a game to drink (Unless you’re in college because college parties are soooo lame but adult parties are soooo much cooler, promise!). The challenges and depression of life itself should be MORE than enough of a reason to drink.

This reminds me of that Jenga drinking game. Or those dice that had sex things written on them. Or Sex Monopoly, a game I just made up where if two people or more landed on ‘Pork Place’ they’d have to sex it up. Board games and childhood games should be stuck in time, left to their pre-adolescent misgivings. Dice should be left for D&D and the craps tables.

I’ll give the creators some credit. Pogs may be the perfect game for children – but it’s also perfect for drunks, the adult equivalent of children. It requires minimal reading, some hand-eye coordination, and persistence.

Hell I’ll make my own drinking/public nuisance Pog game.

  • Eat whatever you find under the couch.
  • Call up a relative and call them an asshole.
  • Drink until you cry. Blood.
  • One second of drinking for every thousand dollars in debt you are.
  • Tell one person in the room how you REALLY feel about them.
  • Call a stranger a racist.
  • WILD: Play a drinking game that is inferior to this one (all of them).

That wasn’t so hard. Have fun, you slammer-smashing alchies!