Have you ever been up on stage performing, but had to take a wicked piss. So wicked that you just have to do it mid song? Action Bronson did. Or at least pretended to. During his set at Ottawa Bluesfest, Action Bronson walked down to the port-o-potty whipped out his mic and continued with his song “Shiraz”. I wish more performers would be so open about their their urine various bowel movements.

// Death and Taxes

It only took a few weeks, but Dov Charney is back with American Apparel. After a video surfaced of Dov walking in the nude around employees, American Apparel decided to ax Dov from his own company. After years of sticking up for Dov’s alleged pervy / abusive behavior, the board of directors had enough. At least enough to give Dov a short vacation from the company, only to hire him back as a creative consultant. Welcome back Dov!

And now for no reason at all, here is a video of Dov Charney (Rich Fulcher) and Terry Richardson (Moshe Kasher) looking for America’s Next Sick Fuck.

Weird Al’s new, and possibly final album, Mandatory Fun, is set to be released TOMORROW! To celebrate, he will be releasing a new video every day this week. The first one to come out is Tacky, a star filled spoof on Pharrell’s Happy. Although Weird Al has stated that this is his last album, I am sure this isn’t the last we will see of him. I think he understand how important he is in making 14 year old boys and myself smile and laugh.

Kosher Gift Ideas

Dov —  07/09/2014 —  Comments

Are you bored of all the same old Jewish gifts you’ve been giving and receiving for the past 2000 years? Do you ever feel that if you see another Chai necklace, picture of a Dancing Hassid, or jar of ‘artisan’ pickled herring you’ll be so distraught that you’ll tell all of your relatives to start sitting shiva for you and then jump off the Williamsburg bridge?

Well then why not get something different, ya lazy shnook!  Something that commands attention! Something that people notice when they walk into your rent controlled, bug-ridden, decrepit Lower East Side tenement apartment!  Something that people will remember you by for years after you’ve suffered a long, slow, painful death from a massive ulcer!

Well for the low price of 3 dollars and fifty cents, this website has just what you need - a kosher pigeon magnet!

Cropped Pigeons

 

Buy one for your friends, your enemies, your landlord, even your grandson who complains about the odor when he visits you once a year!

(more from KosherPigeonJudaica)

Vanessa Bayer, better known by most of you as Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy from SNL, asks all the tough questions to our favorite ladies Haim.

“So what does Haim mean in Hebrew? Let me guess—’she who parts hair in the middle’?”

Tom Hanks was hanging out at Justin Bieber’s manager’s wedding. Just standing there on the dance floor. Most likely drunk as a skunk. With a shawl wrapped around his neck. A yarmulke on his head. Singing “This is How We Do It.” If my bubbe was still alive today she would be kvelling.

// Death and Taxes

For anyone that just got out of a coma, this past Friday was the 4th of July. (Oh and the year is 2014. The Cubs still haven’t won a World Series since 1908.) As you may expect, every brand is trying to get int your face about it. Whether it’s a new product, old product, or re-posting an image to get you to see they exist, they’re doing it in full force. Sometimes the posts are vague. Such as this one posted by American Apparel.

amappy-challenger

While the pattern of the smoke may seem a bit *cool*, there is obviously something wrong here. This isn’t any ordinary smoke. It’s the Space Shuttle Challenger exploding. Wow. Such great material for the 4th of July.

So obviously the formerly Canadian run company took it down. And wrote this apology:

american-apparel-apology

Now, to be honest, I wasn’t born until after the Challenger disaster. I’ve seen movies on it, but I wouldn’t have recognized this photo as the Challenger exploding. ALTHOUGH I would have seen this as SOMETHING exploding. I understand that this person had no idea what’s going on and just saw some white clouds on red sky. I believe it. Just please, next time there’s a holiday, post some fireworks. The last thing you want to do is celebrate Victory over Japan Day (which why does this still exist in Rhode Island?) with a photo of a nuke exploding over Nagasaki.

You wake up in the morning. You do your standard morning ritual (shit, shower, shave, smoke a bowl). You do whatever you do… I don’t know and don’t care. Then you head over to your closet. What will it be this morning? The flowy shirt and skirt you wear for your coffee shop gig? The comfortable sneakers and mom shorts for that tour guide job? The maid outfit for your hotel gig?

Not anymore. You push all those aside for that brand new trendy but conservative suit situation. It wasn’t thrifted. You bought it at Ann Taylor because your Grandma got you a gift card. A gift card for your new job that she’s so proud you finally got.

You know, that job in an office. The one where you get paid more then your other three jobs combined but you may have had to sell your soul to the devil. But you have health insurance! And a 401k! And other stuff grownups have! And so you continue your slow death march to the land of uncool. The land of the Young Jewish Professional (YJP).

But it doesn’t have to be that way! Here are 5 tips on how to still seem hip… even though you’re actually just a square who goes to bed at 10:00 every night and says things like “quota” and “synergy”.

1. Don’t take any athletic classes. No yoga. No pole-dancing classes. That stuff is for people who are trying to improve themselves. Don’t improve yourself. If you want to work out, walk to your closest bar and/or drug dealer’s house. Improving yourself is not cool.

yoga

Sheeple. Really flexible sheeple, but still sheeple.

2. Wear at least one thing a day that just a little too funky. Remind The Man that you will continue to wear your spiky earrings and/or that wrinkled skirt because you just don’t care, man.

spiky heels

 Nothing like a little skull to funkify your day.

3. Avoid happy hours at all costs. That’s where the rest of the YJP’s are. If they see you there they will smell you out and try to make you one of them. Before you know it, you’ll be wearing lipliner and talking about the pros and cons of investing in Israeli stocks.

Happy hour

You will not find your soul mate at McGillin’s. Stop trying.

4. Continue to be kind to service professionals. This one is very serious and important. Your server does not care that you were a waitress for 10 years at your uncle’s restaurant. She/he does not need a lecture on folding napkins or smiling appropriately. Just because you are no longer a service professional does not mean you can poop all over the people who still do it. I don’t care if your tomato soup has a hair in it just scoop it out for g-dsakes I assure you, you will not die.

waitress

Poor, sweet thing.  

5. Never give up. Never surrender! No matter how deep you find yourself going into that bougie world of Jewish professionalism do not submit. Fight with every fiber of your being to stay the way you once were. Remember, change is always bad. 

Change

No offense, Big O, I still think you’re great.

 

 

 

How to eat a bagel

The Duckman —  06/25/2014 —  Comments

We’ve told you how we take our bagels in Who Wants A HJ, but we’ve never shown you this way to eat a bagel you’ve never tried before! Thank you Clickhole for being the best thing on the internet.

charney

Our favorite American Apparel CEO, Dov Charney, was fired yesterday after the board decided his time was up. It is well documented that Dov tends to have some controversial moments. He’s been sued for choking (not sexually) and harassing (sexually) employees. Mashable and Hipster Jew has shared a few of these moments.

It’s not surprising anyone, including the CEO and founder of a company, to be fired after so many lawsuits. But I do have a few issues with this. Why is the board NOW letting Dov go after years of allegations? Most of the cases against Dov have been dismissed. On top of that, I haven’t seen any new allegations in a year. But according to Mashable, the board fired him because of “ongoing investigation into alleged misconduct.”

Maybe there is something we don’t know? Maybe a new case against Dov that’s damning? Maybe the board got confused and thought they were firing Terry Richardson? Either that or the board finally looked at the company’s stock after 6 years of it tanking. I’m not too sure. It seems like an odd time to let Dov go after giving him so many chances.