clickhole israel snacks

There is nothing better than Clickhole taking punches at Buzzfeed. Nothing. That includes this new clickhole video (click here for it) where they are just talking about snacks and nothing about the politics of Israel. They are also taking shots at the terrible buzzfeed videos where Americans try different Israeli foods which I refuse to link to.

branding

Let’s talk about my least favorite thing in the world: Branding!

It’s quite possibly the most boring and inane concept to really talk about, especially when the conversation takes place in corporate doubletalk. (Have you seen the Nike powerpoint slides they use to introduce Brand to big university athletic departments? It’s a digital sleep drug) But deep down, when you strip off the MBA bullshit speak, it’s kind of sinister.

Taco Bell realized that their sales are tanking, so what did they do? BRAND. They opened a restaurant called US Taco Co. No visual connection to Taco Bell. Stupid goofy taco names on their menu like “The One Percenter” (lobster taco). Like magic, people start to come to this new Taco Bell and decide they like it. It’s Taco Bell but it isn’t, and the power of BRAND helps to cover the tracks, and all of a sudden people are stuffing their face with rerouted tacos. It’s working so well, there was even a rumor that there was a US Taco Co coming to the heart of Chicago’s hipster paradise, Wicker Park, right on Milwaukee Ave. Close enough to compete with the traditional drunk taco shack Big Star.

McDonald’s is in deep shit too, even worse than Taco Bell. Sales are down, employees want to be paid like real people instead of numbers on an overhead sheet, no one wants to eat their antibiotic meat. And it seems like every two weeks someone finds a chicken head in their nuggets. Here comes BRAND to save the sinking ship: a burger joint in Australia called “The Corner.” And it’s working.

Be on your guard. BRAND works, even if you pride yourself on not being fooled by corporate schemes. Especially if you pride yourself on not being fooled by corporate schemes. And drunk you doesn’t care if your tacos are actually indie. The marketing people are determined to crack every demographic, and the group that defines themselves by being DIY, independent and anti-big business is seen as a challenge, not a deterrent. Make sure your only big company purchase is PBR.

I have a rule to never put down a 13 year old for doing something they love if it’s not hurting anyone. So good on you Brody Criz for making this video! It’s funny and cute and funny. Once all of your friends at sleep away camp see this video, you’re going to have the best summer ever.

As for everyone else… Please… Please… PLEASE stop making Bar / Bat Mitzvah aged videos for your kids. It’s ruining America (and sometimes Canada). Just look how much the older brother wants to kill himself.

Hey guys! If you’re thinking about making a last minute Purim costume, let me remind you that racism is bad. mmmkay? Not that you have to tolerant of others, just don’t be that asshole that wears black face or one of the many Aryan groups. Keep it sane. Keep it sexy. But don’t make it trashy.

Thanks. Bye.

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Well that happened. Anyone from L.A. want to corroborate this story? Are L.A. Kosher Delis this sexual? This hairy? This Jewish? This 1980s?

If so, I’d like one ticket to L.A., please.

Lyrics:

When the party’s breakin’ up and the clubs are closin’ down and the City of Angels sleeps There’s only one place in town me and the boys will be found, got a jones for some savory meats

Canter’s rocks the noshes down in Hollywood, but I love my Jerry’s valley dolls And my baby gets a thrill for a Langer’s kosher dill, and she’ll cream for Greenblatt’s matzo balls

LA! Deli! Where the after party’s ragin’ in my L.A. town LA! Deli! The pastrami’s pillin’ high while you’re comin’ down LA! Deli! Eatin’ corned beef and eggs ’til the break of dawn LA! Deli! You don’t have to be a jew to get your rock ‘n’ roll kibitz on

Hey look! It’s a double ad for Sleater-Kinney’s new album “No Cities To Love” and Bob’s Burgers which is on Sundays on Fox (I am good at this).

No but seriously, both brands know exactly who they are targeting. If you love Tina you probably love Sleater-Kinney. If you love Sleater-Kinney, you probably love Tina. It’s a match made in horse heaven.

Kosher porn! It’s not what you think it is. It’s the only Rabbi-approved Jewish-themed SFW pornography on the internet.* And now, you can buy it in book form. Coffee book form. You get all your Jewish-related memes in one easy book, one you can hide when your parents come visit because THEY wont understand how hilarious this is. Okay, actually, this book is probably 130% Jewish Mom approved.

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It’s the perfect type of kitsch to give as a gift. Literally, it doesn’t matter what the occasion. Valentine’s Day? Gift it. Passover Seder? Gift it. Graduation? Gift it. Dating a Jew? Gift it. Don’t know anyone who is Jewish and aren’t Jewish yourself? I don’t know why you are reading this blog, but fuck it, gift it twice!

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Now, after affirming my love for Kosher Porn, I hope that when they make Kosher Porn II, The Musical, they’ll ask me and the Duckman and everyone else at Hipster Jew if we will submit some of our sexy sexy gross cheesy Jewish pick up lines w/ uncomfortably attractive and awkward pictures.

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I give this book 4.5 out of 5 Big Lebowskis, because I’m jaded and only like super gross jokes but I know that this book is the perfect amount of entertaining. This Dude Abides, Man.dude-fourhalf-star

BUY THIS BOOK, YOU BEAUTIFUL HEEB!

*This statement has been approved by nobody, not even a Rabbi Nobody.

Our favorite comedian in the entire world and the queen of dark comedy, Jessie Kahnweiler, is back with another uncomfortable comedic web series called “The Skinny!” Instead of taking us through an awkward tour of Jessie finding her roots, or asking black guys if they would bang her, or making us laugh while talking about how she’s felt after being raped, we’re going to see her issues with bulimia!

Even if awkward comedy isn’t your thing, Jessie’s work has been nothing less than inspirational, powerful and absolutely hilarious. That’s why we give The Skinny the Hipster Jew thumbs up. Help get this series into our hands and into our minds and support her kickstarter, dumbies!

urban-outfitters-tapestry-2015 (1)This morning I saw that the ADL has been pressuring Urban Outfitters to take down this shirt. At first I thought that Abe Foxman has fallen off his rocker again. I mean come… on… A striped shirt with a pink triangle? What does that have to do with the Holocaust? Because Homosexuals had to wear a pink triangle in concentration camps? And because people in concentration camps had to wear gray striped clothing? Seems like a bit of a stretch to me…

But then I remembered. I remembered how many Urban Outfitters scandals we have written about. I remembered the ones that involved Jews and the ones that did not. I remembered that this isn’t the first time Urban Outfitters has dealt with a Holocaust chic scandal.

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So maybe this isn’t just an odd coincidence. Urban Outfitters loves controversy. They love being talked about even in a negative way. Maybe this is exactly what they wanted.

What a waste of money. This is like taking a small child to Disney World. Will they remember it? Only vaguely, but you have to continue to clothe them and feed them and go on all the boring rides they want to go on. It’s the worst way to spend money. Those kids will just turn around, act ungrateful, and then expect you to pay for all their college tuition and give them your used car – but not the shitty clunker, nooooooo. And this Bat Mitzvah girl just stands there – doesn’t sing, doesn’t dance, doesn’t even try to kiss Nick.

Why would you spend $100,000 on a Bat Mitzvah and bring the shittier of the Jonases? Or is he the best? Who knows, they’re all so terrible. It’s not like she’ll remember it in 15 years, the ravages of hard college sorority alcoholism and too much weed destroying what few religious memories she has. I barely remember my Bar Mitzvah – all the endoprhins and the having to actually earn it by learning Torah (which I totally fucked up on, but it’s the work not the outcome, right?).

I do remember my Bar Mitzvah was themed – Red Sox. How original for a New England kid. And this girl, Jillian Glasgow, made her Bat Mitzvah themed ‘Paris’.

Not French themed, not Parisian, ‘Paris’. ‘Paris’ themed. And her parents threw away $100,000 for such a shitty concept.

It’s videos like these that make me become a real socialist. These people should be taxed a bit more.

//Gawker