danger-zone

Everyone is sick and tired of dumb Kickstarters getting thousands of dollars. Including H. Jon Benjamin. So he made one!

After Erick Sanchez was given over $30K to get Kenny Loggins to perform at his condo, H. Jon Benjamin decided it would only be right if he introduced him (LANA! LANA!….. DANGER ZONE). So here we have another shitty Kickstarter. Or as H. Jon Benjamin put it

“I hate these inane Kickstarters hosted by privileged assholes asking for other people’s money and the service of ironic projects that add nothing to the cultural conversation, so I started one.”

But don’t worry. You won’t be ripped off by terrible rewards. Jon has some great ideas. Like if you give him $2000, you get $1000 back. If you want to watch the performance on his cell phone, it’ll cost $15. Signed posters, Way too expensive T-shirts. Cmon down and support a Kickstarter that clearly doesn’t need your support!
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// Village Voice

Our favorite website in the world, Clickhole (a sister site to The Onion and A.V. Club), wrote a wonderful article on 5 tragedies Adam Sandler predicted. The article is hilariously fake just like everything else on the website.

But apparently some people didn’t get it. Besides for a few twitter and facebook posts questioning how Adam Sandler knew about these tragedies, someone at Stormfront used this article to perpetuate his/her belief that Jews control the media.

stromfront-sandler

If anything of this is true, just shows how Jews do make **** happen and probably communicate via movies

Which was followed by a few hilarious replies from people that didn’t get it.

This comes as no surprise, all the Jews know what the schedule is, and follow it accordingly, with no incidents.

And then hilarious replies by people that did get it.

This article is satire. There is no-where on the web that can prove any of it. I call bull****.

Here is a bit of propheting for you that might be useful: Jews invent crazy conspiracy theories and theorists (Alex ‘shoutyhead’ Jones anyone) all the time to discredit the true ‘conspiracy’ that they have control of the government and the media.

Thank you Neo Nazis. Because of you and others that do not know how to read, Facebook will be supplying us with “satire” labels.

As humans, it is our right to marry whomever the heck we want. If the other person also wants to marry us. Except the gays, because that stuff is icky.

Sometimes it’s tough in the dating world because though are many fish in the sea, those bastards are slippery. But never fear, Jews-seeking-Jews, if you’re having trouble finding that special someone, or you’re just really tired of Jdate, it might be time to consider a matchmaker. The New York Times recently ran an article about a women named Tova Weinberg who has matched about 250 young Jewish couples in person and also runs a dating website, www.sawyouatsinai.com/

Tova Weinberg

Dr. Tova Weinberg, Former Dentist and Current Matchmaker

Tova had this to say about why she began pursuing her calling: “There was so much intermarriage in Pittsburgh, I felt I had to do something. I started talking to all these women’s organizations, I said. ‘Listen, I have men! My husband knows all these residents and interns. Give me your daughters, I have the boys!’ ”

Come on Tova, what’s so wrong with intermarriage? If ANYTHING, it’s better for the Jew species. Where has intermarriage gotten us, Jews? Respiratory problems, tay Sachs, Parkinson’s? There’s a whole list of diseases Ashkenazim are more prone to because that’s what happens when everyone decides to shtup their cousins. If you want to marry a Jew because you are an elitist for religious reasons, marry a Sephardic Jew because at least then you are doing your part to widen the gene pool.

I could rant for hours about Jewish elitism and how it’s destroying us from the inside out, but nobody really wants that. I could kvetch about how I wish Tova Weinberg was using her powerhouse talents to rid the world of hunger or actual dentistry.  But instead, I will leave you with this: I will not be satisfied until everyone in the world is the same color. I’m hoping it’s purple, but we’ll see what happens.

 

And here’s a video from Fiddler on the Roof because that musical is doooooope.

 

 

 

This Land is Mine is a beautiful / terrifying depiction of the last 6000 years in the land of Canaan / Israel / Palestine. Millennia after Millennia of war and death over the small piece of land many have called their rightful home.

The list of participating parties:

Early Man
Canaanite
Egyptian
Assyrian
Israelite
Babylonian
Macedonian/Greek
Greek/Macedonian
Ptolemaic
Seleucid
Hebrew Priest
Maccabee
Roman
Byzantine
Arab Caliph
Crusader
Mamluk of Egypt
Ottoman Turk
Arab
British
Palestinian
European Jew/Zionist
PLO/Hamas/Hezbollah
State of Israel
Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
The Angel of Death

Hi kids. Electric Zoo doesnt want you to do Molly. Not because it isn’t a super cool drug. But because a bunch of people died last year from a bad batch. In this PSA they warn you that you might miss out on all the “awesome” “music” if you do Molly. I assume they are only talking about the bad Molly that kills. Everyone knows you can’t enjoy life when you’re dead.

garagista-3

South African brewers Garagista Beer Co. has a new marketing campaign: all about bashing hipsters. Their beer is for normies, not hipster scum. And they have a poster or two (or five) to go with it. I mean, they get the specifics messed up a bit, because of course they did. I’m pretty sure normals have a better chance of using the Ramones t shirt for fashion than a hipster would, seeing as the Ramones are mainstream as fuck and I’m pretty sure hipsters are only allowed to listen to post punk (it’s in the contract you sign when you become a become hipster, right after the clause about only drinking the most terrible booze), not first wave.

Or how about that the company is named Garagista? You know, like the word garage, where someone would homebrew for their first time… How would someone let other people know about it? “My favorite beer is Garagista… my friend brews it in his garage with a couple of other guys…you probably haven’t heard of it before?” Sounds pretty fucking hip to me, Garagista.

Now you’ve set up shop in an actual brewery, making a few different drinks. Little did you know you’ve opened the door to the hipster floodgates: someone takes a sip of a new brew and says “You know, their first one was better.” And you’d best believe it will happen; hipsters love irony, and surely some local trust funders will buy their beer simply because it would be so funny if hipsters drink the beer that hates hipsters. It’s coming, Garagista. You’ll have to grit your teeth and pretend to like it when every keg tap party you throw is attended by hipsters and the men are wearing tighter and shorter shorts than the women. Good luck, have fun.

I’ll pass though, an attention getting gimmick like this is pretty transparent, and I don’t think you will get “normcore” enough to be sold here in the States. Besides, even if you did, I’m not sure how appealing to not-hipsters is going to get them to switch from MillerBudCoors Lites.

Noad Lahat, Israeli-American UFC fighter, won a bout yesterday and is returning to Israel to rejoin the IDF. Hey, even the great Red Sox Ted Williams went overseas during WWII. Sounds like my perfect weekend.

//Failed Messiah

What’s going on today in the life of Hipsters? Oh, just the usual. Someone making another listicle about hipsters.

What’s this listicle about? It’s about how your kid is turning into a hipster! LOL! Kids wearing sunglasses and watching obscure 90s cartoons.
Maybe your kid acts like a Hipster because you’ve made them into your own hipster-devil spawn? Maybe they watch VHS of Inspector Gadget because you’re a nostalgic monster who won’t let them enjoy Yo Gabba Gabba or Adventure Time?

Kids aren’t Hipsters. You’re a Hipster. Let your kid live and love whatever stupid Disney prince or princess they want.

Just remember, kids hate what their parents love when the kids are all grown up. So do them a favor and ironically love everything they love. I promise, it’ll pay off in the end.

Ben Stein just wanted to sext with a lady. In a classy way.

ben_stein_sext

Don’t worry though, ol’ Ben has a very reasonable argument.

“I didn’t expect anything from her. Hugging and kissing doesn’t mean I wanted to f–k her. I said that explicitly in my text,” Stein said. “When is it wrong to hug people?”

When is it wrong to hug people, huh? Never. It’s never wrong to hug people. See? Ben Stein is a good guy.

//gawker

We’ve heard about attacks on women in Israel due to their dress, which normally just includes a woman wearing shorts or a t-shirt and being verbally harassed or having things thrown at her. So needless to say, recent promotions of “modesty” in Crown Heights, a neighborhood close to my own, start to scare me.

Though modesty has always been a focus of the Ultra-Orthodox, as well as Orthodox and Conservative movements to a lesser degree, this “value” has started to move from modesty of women in the community towards non-Hasidim who come into contact, or more correctly, the line of vision, of Hasidim. Earlier this week, an article surfaced telling of “modesty prizes” given to girls of a Lubavitcher camp who covered their necklines, elbows, and knees. If they came to camp in modest attire for a week they would receive a gift certificate for free ice cream. Though this modesty campaign was primarily focused on covering up the **obvious sexual characteristics** of LITTLE GIRLS AT CAMP DURING A HOT SUMMER, the campaign also managed to combine the struggles of the totally blameless Jews in Israel with skirt length by telling these young girls that by covering up they would strengthen the Jewish nation. Because those Palestinian women sure are slutty, amirite? Though this campaign is a upsetting to many outside the Hasidic community, the translation of this modesty campaign from members of the community to outsiders is a bit more terrifying.

Courtesy of Alexa Antopol

Courtesy of Alexa Antopol

Recently in Crown Heights, Hasidim have been putting up signs which ask people in Crown Heights to pop a sweater over their slutty bits and continue to enjoy the neighborhood. More specifically, the signs state “Love and Respect. Dear Resident, Guest, Visitor, PLEASE DRESS MODESTLY. THIS IS A JEWISH NEIGHBORHOOD.” There are obviously some disagreements I have with these sign-makers, and not all stem from my liberal Reform-Jew upbringing. The first one comes from the fact that there are no real “guests” to the neighborhood, because the streets and sidewalks are all public property. I would never enter a Hasidic home or synagogue in shorts and a tank top, but I have every right to dress in seasonal clothing on public property. My second disagreement comes from the statement that Crown Heights is a Jewish neighborhood. Crown Heights is known for its large African-American population, as well as people from all different ethnicities and religions. With the prices of housing in New York, I know many art school buddies who are moving to the area. So Crown Heights may have a large Hasidic population, but it is certainly no longer a strictly “Jewish neighborhood”. (Furthermore, I have complaints that the Hasidic population has adopted the term Jewish to refer exclusively to them, but I can save that for another article.)

Despite the fact that these signs infuriated me, there are two positive things to think about if you see a sign. The first one is: “What will they do if I don’t wear modest clothes?” And the second one is: “I don’t have to even read that!” I’ve seen that first question answered personally to me once when I lived in South Williamsburg. I was walking down the street wearing shorts and a t-shirt because it was summer and I watched a father cover his son’s eyes while I walked past. I had never once felt uncomfortable with my own body, but this father’s action, which probably resulted in more attention brought to me than actually necessary, made me frightened to live in a community where I could not be treated as a fellow human being. I’m curious to see how long these signs stay up and what the response will be from the non-Hasidim in the neighborhood, but until then, keep dressing like you normally do ya sluts!

Original stories can be found here and here