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There is a lot of Lumbersexual hate going around in recent days. What’s a lumbersexual you ask? I really don’t know. It seems like people are hating on dudes with beards who like to wear plaid. And since I am a dude with a beard who likes to wear plaid, I would like to come out and say that some of us grow beards because we don’t have a choice. Have you seen me without a beard? I don’t have a chin!

We also grow beards because we can. I mean, I’ve had people up to age 60 tell me how jealous they are of my beard. It’s so wonderful. So full and slightly orange. It’s really a thing of beauty.

My beard was also great to me at age 19-20 because I was able to buy so much alcohol without being carded. Yay Beards!

So please. The next time you write your Lumbersexual hate pieces, remember that there are some of us who grow beards because we have to. Not because we’re here to appease you.

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I have been spending much of my day reading Wikipedia articles, when I decided to read up a bit on our lord and savior David Berman, when I noticed this one line…

On 8 January 2015, Bob Nastanovich posted a photo on his Facebook page claiming that the Silver Jews are practicing again.

January 8th? Thats today! I quickly went to Bob’s facebook page and low and behold… Silver Jews, together again! I don’t care if they were only posing for a photo. Just the thought of Silver Jews getting back together makes my day.

We’re a week into 2015 and already this is a better year than 2014/

Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?

I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?

Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.

I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!

Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.

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Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?

Celebrate every night of Hanukkah by taking a few hits on this Menorah Bong. I am sure that this still counts as lighting for the night, right? Must be kosher to light up! I would go as far as to say this should be the only was we light our menorahs. If Hanukkah wasn’t already the official holiday for Jewish potheads

It’s a McSweeney’s Internet Hanukkah!

Ever wonder what the best and worst Hanukkah films are?

Hint: Not the Hebrew Hammer

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle everyone! The Christmas knockoff of a lazy parenting trick, Elf on the Shelf, is now making it’s way to the homes of spoiled Jewish children. While Mensch on the Bench has been on shelves since since 2013, everyone knows the only way to make real money is to add other sidekicks and supporting characters (MERCHANDISIN’!). And sometimes, even though you’re a former Hasbro Exec, you need to ask people for some of their money (because spending one’s own money is too damn hard sometimes).

That’s right, people. Mensch on the Bench is so legit now. How legit? They got $150,000 from Shark Tank for 15% of the business,, AND they were mentioned in my hometown paper, The Providence Journal.

BFD, people. BFD. Remember this as the day that we finally won the WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

//via Projo

Someone really needs to tell him these aren’t the Jews who will give him lots of money and help him win elections. You did this last year Rick and it didn’t win you anything then. Quit while you’re still a douche. #sorrybutnotsorrychabad
#messianicsuperjews

If you haven’t read through our archives, we here at Hipsterjew have very strong feelings about parodies. (You have one? Don’t fucking record it. Unless it’s so good that the world will thank you.)

For some reason people love Hanukkah Parodies. Like I feel like I should trademark the phrase ‘Hanukkah Parodies’ there’s been so many. So many Jewish parodies of Jewish holidays. And people still love them. And I am left to wonder how Jewish people became some engrained in the entertainment industry if this is the shit that people seem to enjoy.

Also, why does it always have to be a group of men? Like I get when you’re religious you can’t listen to any women above the age of 11 sing (which is weird and creepy, but a topic for another day). Why can’t it be a group of women, or a mixed group? And why it is almost always acapella? Didn’t every Jew take some sort of music lessons as a kid because sports are taxing and scary? I guess because then they can sing in Synagogue and finally make it almost bearable? (If you’ve ever been to an Orthodox shul and people sand acapella instead of the typical grumble-singing, please email me so I can call you a liar).

If people don’t know what Hanukkah is about, it’s about a bunch of bros singing some parody songs for fun. If this song shows anything it’s that there’s a huge gap when it comes to bearable Hanukkah songs. Maybe next year the Hanukkah Miracle could be that I don’t hear a parody. Until then….I guess I’ll just…shake it off.

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Sarah Silverman’s sister, Rabbi Susan Silverman, was arrested at the Western Wall early last year after refusing to remove her prayer shawl. Susan is a member of Women of the Wall, a feminist organization trying to ensure that all types of Jews are welcome to pray at this holy site in their own fashion. And last night Sarah Silverman joined her sister and lit a menorah as a proverbial ‘fuck you’ to the religious extremists that are in charge of the wall. Sarah’s in town for the Bar Mitzvah of her nephew, so she’s awesome for being a great aunt and a supporter of equality within Judaism (wherever possible).

Happy Hanukkah, Sarah. We hope you can light whatever you want at the Wall, whether it’s a menorah, or joint, or a joint in the shape of a menorah.

//FailedMessiah

Rejoice Jewish Harry Potter fans! One of our own has been eating Bertie Botts while fighting alongside Dumbledore’s Army.