judy-mozes

Israel’s interior minister’s wife Judy Mozes tweeted this wonderful racist joke today. This will do great things for Israel’s image around the world I am sure. I mean… at one point Judy was working with the United Nations Children’s Fund, yet she still couldn’t spell out the word ‘YOU’. I know that

Do u know what Obama Coffee is? Black and weak

is not 140 characters. And what’s the deal with “Coffee” being capitalized? Also, why use punctuation for one sentence but not the other? You can clearly see she did not think this through before posting.

And hey, and as long as there are people who won’t think before they tweet, I won’t proofread before I post.

tv-spoilers-meme

**SPOILER**

I do not care about spoilers. I do not care if I mention a major plot line from a movie. I do not care if you tell me the ending to a book. In fact, please tell me the ending to the book you’re currently reading. I want to know what’s going to happen in Game of Thrones. I want to know who the new undead bad guys in the Walking Dead comic book are. I want to know everything and I have no time to watch / read / listen it myself. So please, in the comments write all the spoilers you can!

**COUNTERPOINT**
Fuck you and your fucking spoilers. I know I said I don’t mind you telling me about Game of Thrones and other stories I like, but I absolutely hate that within the first 24 hours every website is showing a gif of “that scene” that you have to see. You know what I’m talking about! The scene with the shocking death/dragon/revenge/battle. I hate it. I go home that night and I am constantly wondering “when am I going to see that scene that I just saw.” (Say that 5 times fast.) And of course it’s at the end…

Then you have the recent Simpsons incident. Al Jean attempted to give us a few spoilers about the upcoming Simpsons season. One thing he said that got people angry was that Bart is going to finally be killed by Sideshow Bob. It’s a Treehouse of horror episode so who cares. Then he said that Homer and Marge are going to separate and Homer will date a character voiced by Lena Dunham. People freaked out that Homer and Marge were getting a divorce (they’re not). Yet no one freaked out the 40 other times they separated, or the one time that they actually got a divorce, or the 80 times Homer/Marge had romantic feelings for someone else. Without this dumb spoiler I wouldn’t have to sit through two days of everyone on facebook bitching about nothing.

God damnit stop spoiling. Go forth and spoil.

Well folks, it’s that time of year again. Marvel has a released another movie featuring one of the Avengers (this time all of them) and I am stuck again choosing which one I want to make out with the most. The trials of a young Jewess are so taxing. Yes, I realize they are fictional characters. Yes, I realize my desire to kiss the Avengers’ inhuman faces doesn’t interest Hipster Jew readers in the slightest. But for some reason, these crazy editors keep letting me pop garbage out for you to intake. So enjoy (?)

So here we are again, the competition ensues: Captain America? Thor? Ironman? The Hulk? Actually scratch out the Hulk. Mark Ruffalo is obviously a babe, but I’m not trying to get Hulk Smashed. If you get me. Such a bummer though, our fictional babies would be so smart. Sigh.

Let’s throw Black Widow into the mix because it will appease the militant feminists who pushed Joss Whedon off the Twatter. Just kidding, militant feminists, I know it wasn’t you guys, I read, OK? And I also know feminism is a good thing, and someone’s gotta fight the fight. That being said, step back from Whedon, he’s not your enemies, ya dummies! Furthermore, I kept Black Widow out of my last poll because she’s a lady and I’m deeply rooted in the closet, but this time I’m encouraging sexual fluidity. Let’s be real here, no matter what way you swing Scarlett J  is a serious hottie.

So here’s the lineup:

More Like Babe-vengers

 

Iron Man was off limits in the past because he seems pretty much like Pepper’s territory, buttttt homegirl didn’t appear in Age of Ultron, so I’m gonna say her opinion doesn’t really matter. Stark’s wealth, intelligence, and all around rudeness follows a certain pattern in my make out candidates, and I don’t mind keeping that pattern going.

Captain America is not really my type at all. He’s a warhawk, and I never vote for those. There’s a lot of pop culture references I know he won’t understand, and to be honest, Cap, that’s a bit of a deal breaker for me.  If he would perhaps begin smoking the rope dope and spend his time sitting at home eating Cheetos and catching up on more than 50 years of movies, television, literature, and the history of hip hop, the rules might change. A new game would be AFOOT,  but as it stands, He’s most likely out. Unless I don’t know, we make out.

Oh Hulk, I’m so sorry.

Thor is a god. And I have a very hard time trusting someone with that sort of power. There is NO way that a literal god wouldn’t have some severely narcissistic tendencies. He could be the most worthy guy in town, hammer held high, but he would always feel different/better than me (I mean have you ever seen Buffy? Duh). That being said, those muscles are pretty serious.

Black Widow has some tragically serious issues, so obviously I’m very, very interested. She’s everything I’m not really into: red-heads, Eastern Europeans, those who wear a lot of leather. But, she’s such a hardened badass yet gentle lady I just keep coming back to her. What a femme fatale. Oh gosh.

Alright now, imagine, if you will, a world in which I am able to make out with these crazy superheroes (with possibility of something a little extra) and the choice of which one I get is up to you. What a world it would be.

Who should Give A Kiss to Lil Schlitz ?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Math, you cruel uncaring mistress! You just couldn’t keep it a secret, could you? You just had to let everyone know that Hipsters do in fact look kind of the same, sound kind of the same, dress kind of the same, eat kind of same, and smell kind of the same (thanks Toms products). Yeah, you heard some news you already guessed if you’ve read this blog once, or stepped outside in a town not full of bros. Hipsters are all the same person. Friends with one hipster, you’re pretty much friends with them all.

“You need people who want to be different,” said Touboul in an interview with Reuters. “In the end, because they are too slow to detect the trend, they synchronize and they all do, and all these people that want to be different they all do the same thing at the same time.”

Touboul published his findings in a scientific paper titled “The hipster effect: when anticonformists all look the same.”

He said the mathematical model is interchangeable with other social groups.

Wait…what? The mathematical model works for any social group? Why not call it the Juggalo Paradox, or the Salmon Short Paradox, or even just the Lumberjack Paradox? It’s like someone knew that calling it the Hipster Paradox would get me to click on the link, then write a silly diatribe about it…

Just like all the other Hipsters have already done. DAMN IT YOU WIN AGAIN, MATH

// Usa Today

Bernie my man! So excited you finally decided to rustle some feathers. Living in Vermont, I get to see you all the time. Not in a creepy way, I swear. Just in a ‘you’re an old Jewish liberal dude who wanders around Burlington’, and I’m an old-at-heart Jewish liberal dude who wanders around Burlington. So pumped people will be making stale maple syrup jokes on CNN and Fox News. Can’t wait to see your reddening face yelling about how important the middle class is. Do you have a son? Would you like to be my second dad (don’t worry, my first liberal dad won’t be insulted by that)?

Okay, would you atleast then like to play a Rabbi in a small independent movie? Where all he does is drone about the Brooklyn Dodgers, possibly sounding the most Jewish he’s even sounded before? Yes? All I need is a time machine or the internet? Perfect. I’ll choose the internet.

// Buzzfeed

// ht to Sweet Dave

I don’t mean to stuff your existences with old news. And by old news I mean, circa Tuesday. As I said, old news. But here I go.

Madonna crashed Drake’s set at Coachella and performed Human Nature with our favorite Nice Jewish Boy. That was weird enough, to be honest. But Madonna is a Material Girl and can do whatever the hell she wants, so you know, it’s alright. But then, it got a lot stranger when Madonna planted a fat one on Drake.

Which again was OK, I guess. I mean they’re both sort of Jewish. I think Madonna was into Kaballah for a little bit. Not that I mind it when Jews and non-Jews bump uglies, in fact I encourage it (Tay Sachs people, it’s a THING). Not to mention, it was kinda hot at first. But then, Madonna took it to darn far. I don’t know exactly was running through MDNA’s brain when she decided to go all in like two teenagers making out in the back of someone’s mom’s minivan. Judge for yourself:

 

Now, according to the internet (why the hell is Business Insider writing about this?), Drake is saying that we all misunderstood when he stated post-kiss: “What the f-ck just happened?” In fact, literally wiping the kiss from his mouth was clearly a sign of great appreciation. #RapperDrake, do you really think my attention span is that short? I CAN WATCH THE VIDEO ON 30,000 DIFFERENT WEBSITES and your reaction doesn’t look pleased in any one of them.

I get that Drake is scared of the Madonna fans, or getting called ageist, or something along those lines. But come on Drake, we’ll love you no matter what you do. Even though you’re probably really gross because being a celebrity has killed your soul.

Regardless, Madonna needs to back up because I took a “What Famous Nice Jewish Boy Is Your Soulmate” and I got Drake. So stand down, Queen of Pop. Every little thing that you say or do, Im hung up on you(r relationship with my Buzzfeed soulmate).<3 Drake

Dear Drake, Please be “The Best I Ever Had”

Fellow Jews, the patriarchy’s been messing with Cousin Sarah (Silverman) and that’s just one step too far for me. Patriarchy, you angered me when you instituted street harassment. When I found out about the prevalence of on-campus sexual abuse, I shook my fists in rage.  I almost fell into a diabetic coma of disdain when I read about all the crap Florida does to ladies..  But this, THIS IS TOO FAR, PATRIARCHY.

Recently, Sarah admitted that she had been paid 1/6 of what a male colleague was paid at a comedy club in New York. And yea, the owner is saying it’s not because she’s a woman that she was paid less…but she’s not the only lady who gets paid less for her efforts. So regardless of what he’s saying, the issue cannot be denied. The rest of us, as a standard, get paid 78.3 cents for every dollar a man makes.

Cousin Sarah

Sarah’s unimpressed with you, Patriarchy.

When Sarah cries, we all cry. I’m crying right now. Let’s fight the patriarchy, yo.

Look, I’m not a good Jew. I mean, I’m probably in the top 20%, because I haven’t committed fraud or covered up any sexual assault. But I don’t go to shul or the time or really think about doing anything Jewish, unless making self-deprecating Jew-jokes about yourself counts. Also, I teach kids, so I mean that automatically makes me a good person, if not a good Jewish person.

My point being, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to go on a lavish retreat for a week during Passover. I’m pretty sure when you spend 1/3 of my annual salary so you can bro out in a warm climate, use a jetpack or go to a trampoline park. This is definitely not in the spirit of Passover – not pooping regularly and being wine drunk like it’s your job (if you work at a Hillel this is probably written into the job description).

Starting Friday, Lerer, who’s an Orthodox Jew, will join 1,000 other movers and shakers at the St. Regis Monarch Beach in Dana Point, Calif. — situated on 172 acres, with a private beach, luxury spa and championship golf course — for the weeklong holiday celebrating the Israelites’ emancipation from slavery.

Look, I know how terrible Passover can be. I’ve done it. Many a year. The Matzah gets tiring. The lack of delicious, delicious beer slowly destroy your soul…unless you’re not an alcoholic, in which case…do you celebrate Passover successfully? I’d love to hear how, because I don’t believe you. What happened to good old fashioned Passover week-long orgy in the woods with some fun psychedelics? What I’m trying to say is, can’t you just move Passover to whenever Burning Man is and bro out there?

Or as expensive — prices start at $11,000 per person for an ocean-view room with butler service for the eight-day festival. That doesn’t include starry add-on amenities such as a recording session with Ariana Grande ($3,800 per person) and a meet-and-greet with Kylie and Kendall Jenner ($2,200) — both available last year.

Ugh. I change my mind. You deserve to waste your money like this. And here I thought I couldn’t hate anything having to do with Passover any more than I already do.

“It’s the best of the Catskills, but elegantly on steroids,” says the 61-year-old from the Upper West Side, who enjoyed a morning shvitz in the spa. “It was beautiful.”

Your parents and grandparents are rolling in their graves. The Catskills was about refined, demure tastes. Where’s Occupy Judaism when you need them? Read the link below if you don’t mind your blood boiling while you eat over-priced Matzah in your over-priced apartment while you try to forget how many of your student loans could be paid off with one ticket to Passover Paradise.

Last year we were slaves, next year may we be free (to throw away money, without an angry mob rightfully taking our heads).

//NYPOST

The Notorious RBG is at it again. Homegirl won’t quit. She loves freedom and social justice and Judaism and making sure that ladies’ views are well represented.

You thought Passover was about first born sons, and Moses, and Pharoah, and God who you probably identify in your mind as a man? Not like an old guy with a beard or anything, but like a young guy with muscles and stuff? Well you’re wrong. It’s about ladies.

The Book of Exodus, much like the Book of Genesis, opens in pervasive darkness. Genesis describes the earth
as “unformed and void, with darkness over the surface of the deep.” In Exodus, darkness attends the accession
of a new Pharaoh who feared the Israelites and so enslaved them. God alone lights the way out of the
darkness in Genesis. But in Exodus, God has many partners, first among them, five brave women.

So give your mom a hug, you jerk. If I had to guess, she probably made all the food for the Seders and you didn’t even say thanks. I know I didn’t. Because my dad didn’t raise me right. MY MOM IS PERFECT AND SO IS THE NOTORIOUS RBG.

//Washington Post

Uhoh, Demi-Jews, 2015 is a weird year for us. The year 2014,we did some serious holiday mixing. A little Thanksgiving, a little Hannukka; it was bizarre but it didn’t hurt anybody. That sort of holiday mixing is OK because the whole thing ended in cranberry applesauce and Manischewitz-brined turkeys. And who doesn’t like turkey? (Stand down, vegetarians)

But this year is going to be a little different. For those of us who’ve got one parent who worships the Zombie Jesus and one parent who worships the elitism of The People, this year we’ve got quite the conundrum. This year, the first days of the Jewish Passover is also the end of Holy Week. Which for those of you lil Jews who don’t get Christianity, Holy Week begins on Palm Sunday in remembrance of the day everyone was like “Yo Jesus, you’re so great let’s wave palm branches at you” and ends with Easter weekend when Jesus was betrayed at a biblical-age Seder, died for everybody’s sins and then rose from the grave in an attempt to find braiiiiiins.

r-JON-STEWART-FAITH-OFF-600x275

 Why must you leave, Jon, why?

What does one do when Poppa Goy wants you to attend Good Friday service with the Gentile side of your family, but Mamma Yid wants you to attend a Seder at Auntie Mim’s house with all your Jewy relatives? Your options are very different, but both promising. Good Friday, though completely smothered with lots of sad organ music is actually not that much of a waste of time. For some reason, the story of Jesus getting betrayed by his disciple, Judas, really puts the whole thing where your ex-best friend Cecily made out with that dreamboat Coffee Shop Dan and you were simply heartbroken in some serious perspective. On the other hand (cue Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof), who doesn’t like eating a crap-ton of delicious brisket or lamb or whatever Auntie Mim decided to slow roast in her crock pot for three days at a Seder (SO TENDER!)? This, my friends, is a toughie.

I want to tell you that you can do both. “Don’t worry fellow half-breeds”, I want to triumphantly shout, “Luckily Harry Potter is letting us borrow his time turner because Daniel Radcliffe is a haflie just like us so you can manage to please both sides of your family!”

But. I can’t. Because even if you could attend them all: every Seder that every single aunt and uncle is holding, all the Easter egg hunts your second cousins’ insist you mediate because you were a camp lifeguard that one summer, all the matzah and Easter ham you can stuff in your belly, you still can’t please everybody. The Gentile side will always be concerned for your immortal soul and the Jewish side will always be concerned that if you don’t marry a nice Jewish boy/girl you’ll die in a goyish poverty.

The bottom line, stop trying to please everybody. Pleasing your whole family is an Afikoman you will never find. If anything, the message for you this Holy Week/Passover two weeks is to just do you. Take your own Afikoman, dip it in and dark chocolate and hide it wherever you damn well please. But make sure it’s not somewhere the dog can reach because as we all know, dark chocolate isn’t great for pups’ digestive tracts. Take an extra shift at work instead of attending either event, then take the guilt from that and shove it up your own ass (this is the price of guilt, my friends) This life lesson brought to you by the often-unavailable Schlitz Lipz for all of you: half Jews, full Jews, Jew-bangers, Jew-wannabe-bangers. Christians, non-Christians, lambs up for the Passover slaughter, pigs up for the Easter ham, everybody.

And remember, Obama is the anti-Christ Lizard G-d who’s going to destroy the world in about two weeks, so none of this junk matters anyway.