I don’t mean to stuff your existences with old news. And by old news I mean, circa Tuesday. As I said, old news. But here I go.

Madonna crashed Drake’s set at Coachella and performed Human Nature with our favorite Nice Jewish Boy. That was weird enough, to be honest. But Madonna is a Material Girl and can do whatever the hell she wants, so you know, it’s alright. But then, it got a lot stranger when Madonna planted a fat one on Drake.

Which again was OK, I guess. I mean they’re both sort of Jewish. I think Madonna was into Kaballah for a little bit. Not that I mind it when Jews and non-Jews bump uglies, in fact I encourage it (Tay Sachs people, it’s a THING). Not to mention, it was kinda hot at first. But then, Madonna took it to darn far. I don’t know exactly was running through MDNA’s brain when she decided to go all in like two teenagers making out in the back of someone’s mom’s minivan. Judge for yourself:

 

Now, according to the internet (why the hell is Business Insider writing about this?), Drake is saying that we all misunderstood when he stated post-kiss: “What the f-ck just happened?” In fact, literally wiping the kiss from his mouth was clearly a sign of great appreciation. #RapperDrake, do you really think my attention span is that short? I CAN WATCH THE VIDEO ON 30,000 DIFFERENT WEBSITES and your reaction doesn’t look pleased in any one of them.

I get that Drake is scared of the Madonna fans, or getting called ageist, or something along those lines. But come on Drake, we’ll love you no matter what you do. Even though you’re probably really gross because being a celebrity has killed your soul.

Regardless, Madonna needs to back up because I took a “What Famous Nice Jewish Boy Is Your Soulmate” and I got Drake. So stand down, Queen of Pop. Every little thing that you say or do, Im hung up on you(r relationship with my Buzzfeed soulmate).<3 Drake

Dear Drake, Please be “The Best I Ever Had”

Fellow Jews, the patriarchy’s been messing with Cousin Sarah (Silverman) and that’s just one step too far for me. Patriarchy, you angered me when you instituted street harassment. When I found out about the prevalence of on-campus sexual abuse, I shook my fists in rage.  I almost fell into a diabetic coma of disdain when I read about all the crap Florida does to ladies..  But this, THIS IS TOO FAR, PATRIARCHY.

Recently, Sarah admitted that she had been paid 1/6 of what a male colleague was paid at a comedy club in New York. And yea, the owner is saying it’s not because she’s a woman that she was paid less…but she’s not the only lady who gets paid less for her efforts. So regardless of what he’s saying, the issue cannot be denied. The rest of us, as a standard, get paid 78.3 cents for every dollar a man makes.

Cousin Sarah

Sarah’s unimpressed with you, Patriarchy.

When Sarah cries, we all cry. I’m crying right now. Let’s fight the patriarchy, yo.

Look, I’m not a good Jew. I mean, I’m probably in the top 20%, because I haven’t committed fraud or covered up any sexual assault. But I don’t go to shul or the time or really think about doing anything Jewish, unless making self-deprecating Jew-jokes about yourself counts. Also, I teach kids, so I mean that automatically makes me a good person, if not a good Jewish person.

My point being, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to go on a lavish retreat for a week during Passover. I’m pretty sure when you spend 1/3 of my annual salary so you can bro out in a warm climate, use a jetpack or go to a trampoline park. This is definitely not in the spirit of Passover – not pooping regularly and being wine drunk like it’s your job (if you work at a Hillel this is probably written into the job description).

Starting Friday, Lerer, who’s an Orthodox Jew, will join 1,000 other movers and shakers at the St. Regis Monarch Beach in Dana Point, Calif. — situated on 172 acres, with a private beach, luxury spa and championship golf course — for the weeklong holiday celebrating the Israelites’ emancipation from slavery.

Look, I know how terrible Passover can be. I’ve done it. Many a year. The Matzah gets tiring. The lack of delicious, delicious beer slowly destroy your soul…unless you’re not an alcoholic, in which case…do you celebrate Passover successfully? I’d love to hear how, because I don’t believe you. What happened to good old fashioned Passover week-long orgy in the woods with some fun psychedelics? What I’m trying to say is, can’t you just move Passover to whenever Burning Man is and bro out there?

Or as expensive — prices start at $11,000 per person for an ocean-view room with butler service for the eight-day festival. That doesn’t include starry add-on amenities such as a recording session with Ariana Grande ($3,800 per person) and a meet-and-greet with Kylie and Kendall Jenner ($2,200) — both available last year.

Ugh. I change my mind. You deserve to waste your money like this. And here I thought I couldn’t hate anything having to do with Passover any more than I already do.

“It’s the best of the Catskills, but elegantly on steroids,” says the 61-year-old from the Upper West Side, who enjoyed a morning shvitz in the spa. “It was beautiful.”

Your parents and grandparents are rolling in their graves. The Catskills was about refined, demure tastes. Where’s Occupy Judaism when you need them? Read the link below if you don’t mind your blood boiling while you eat over-priced Matzah in your over-priced apartment while you try to forget how many of your student loans could be paid off with one ticket to Passover Paradise.

Last year we were slaves, next year may we be free (to throw away money, without an angry mob rightfully taking our heads).

//NYPOST

The Notorious RBG is at it again. Homegirl won’t quit. She loves freedom and social justice and Judaism and making sure that ladies’ views are well represented.

You thought Passover was about first born sons, and Moses, and Pharoah, and God who you probably identify in your mind as a man? Not like an old guy with a beard or anything, but like a young guy with muscles and stuff? Well you’re wrong. It’s about ladies.

The Book of Exodus, much like the Book of Genesis, opens in pervasive darkness. Genesis describes the earth
as “unformed and void, with darkness over the surface of the deep.” In Exodus, darkness attends the accession
of a new Pharaoh who feared the Israelites and so enslaved them. God alone lights the way out of the
darkness in Genesis. But in Exodus, God has many partners, first among them, five brave women.

So give your mom a hug, you jerk. If I had to guess, she probably made all the food for the Seders and you didn’t even say thanks. I know I didn’t. Because my dad didn’t raise me right. MY MOM IS PERFECT AND SO IS THE NOTORIOUS RBG.

//Washington Post

Uhoh, Demi-Jews, 2015 is a weird year for us. The year 2014,we did some serious holiday mixing. A little Thanksgiving, a little Hannukka; it was bizarre but it didn’t hurt anybody. That sort of holiday mixing is OK because the whole thing ended in cranberry applesauce and Manischewitz-brined turkeys. And who doesn’t like turkey? (Stand down, vegetarians)

But this year is going to be a little different. For those of us who’ve got one parent who worships the Zombie Jesus and one parent who worships the elitism of The People, this year we’ve got quite the conundrum. This year, the first days of the Jewish Passover is also the end of Holy Week. Which for those of you lil Jews who don’t get Christianity, Holy Week begins on Palm Sunday in remembrance of the day everyone was like “Yo Jesus, you’re so great let’s wave palm branches at you” and ends with Easter weekend when Jesus was betrayed at a biblical-age Seder, died for everybody’s sins and then rose from the grave in an attempt to find braiiiiiins.

r-JON-STEWART-FAITH-OFF-600x275

 Why must you leave, Jon, why?

What does one do when Poppa Goy wants you to attend Good Friday service with the Gentile side of your family, but Mamma Yid wants you to attend a Seder at Auntie Mim’s house with all your Jewy relatives? Your options are very different, but both promising. Good Friday, though completely smothered with lots of sad organ music is actually not that much of a waste of time. For some reason, the story of Jesus getting betrayed by his disciple, Judas, really puts the whole thing where your ex-best friend Cecily made out with that dreamboat Coffee Shop Dan and you were simply heartbroken in some serious perspective. On the other hand (cue Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof), who doesn’t like eating a crap-ton of delicious brisket or lamb or whatever Auntie Mim decided to slow roast in her crock pot for three days at a Seder (SO TENDER!)? This, my friends, is a toughie.

I want to tell you that you can do both. “Don’t worry fellow half-breeds”, I want to triumphantly shout, “Luckily Harry Potter is letting us borrow his time turner because Daniel Radcliffe is a haflie just like us so you can manage to please both sides of your family!”

But. I can’t. Because even if you could attend them all: every Seder that every single aunt and uncle is holding, all the Easter egg hunts your second cousins’ insist you mediate because you were a camp lifeguard that one summer, all the matzah and Easter ham you can stuff in your belly, you still can’t please everybody. The Gentile side will always be concerned for your immortal soul and the Jewish side will always be concerned that if you don’t marry a nice Jewish boy/girl you’ll die in a goyish poverty.

The bottom line, stop trying to please everybody. Pleasing your whole family is an Afikoman you will never find. If anything, the message for you this Holy Week/Passover two weeks is to just do you. Take your own Afikoman, dip it in and dark chocolate and hide it wherever you damn well please. But make sure it’s not somewhere the dog can reach because as we all know, dark chocolate isn’t great for pups’ digestive tracts. Take an extra shift at work instead of attending either event, then take the guilt from that and shove it up your own ass (this is the price of guilt, my friends) This life lesson brought to you by the often-unavailable Schlitz Lipz for all of you: half Jews, full Jews, Jew-bangers, Jew-wannabe-bangers. Christians, non-Christians, lambs up for the Passover slaughter, pigs up for the Easter ham, everybody.

And remember, Obama is the anti-Christ Lizard G-d who’s going to destroy the world in about two weeks, so none of this junk matters anyway.

“Humor is too volatile for the humorless.” – Art Spiegelman

lena-dunham-dog-2_0

Lena Dunham recently wrote an article for The New Yorker titled: Dog or Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz. In the article she asks “Do the following statements refer to (a) my dog or (b) my Jewish boyfriend?” Much of it is pretty funny. I am good at looking at myself and laughing about how I and most other Jewish boys I know are like puppies. Fun, loving, but so terribly dumb.

Some publications did not find this so funny. There was a time when Jews were compared to dogs and so on and so forth. There are also some anti-semitic tropes written in this piece (Jews being bad tippers) but it’s not like we haven’t heard similar jokes from so many other Jews in the entertainment industry. The people who are condemning this piece seem to not understand most people don’t know Jews being dogs was a thing. We all didn’t grow up in the 40’s. They also don’t understand that the only thing in Lena’s life is her dog. How hard is it to read her other New Yorker posts or look at her Instagram? All she does it talk about her dog.

The people condemning this piece seem to be old and humorless. They are also the ADL! You know, that group that calls everyone anti-semitic but when someone like Bibi makes an anti-Arab comment everything is cool. Yeah, those assholes. If they hate something, I’m more or less inclined to love it now. Which is why I’m going to continue sharing this Lena Dunham piece. So please! Read it! Like it or hate it. I don’t care. Just don’t be a stick in the mud like everyone else.

clickhole israel snacks

There is nothing better than Clickhole taking punches at Buzzfeed. Nothing. That includes this new clickhole video (click here for it) where they are just talking about snacks and nothing about the politics of Israel. They are also taking shots at the terrible buzzfeed videos where Americans try different Israeli foods which I refuse to link to.

branding

Let’s talk about my least favorite thing in the world: Branding!

It’s quite possibly the most boring and inane concept to really talk about, especially when the conversation takes place in corporate doubletalk. (Have you seen the Nike powerpoint slides they use to introduce Brand to big university athletic departments? It’s a digital sleep drug) But deep down, when you strip off the MBA bullshit speak, it’s kind of sinister.

Taco Bell realized that their sales are tanking, so what did they do? BRAND. They opened a restaurant called US Taco Co. No visual connection to Taco Bell. Stupid goofy taco names on their menu like “The One Percenter” (lobster taco). Like magic, people start to come to this new Taco Bell and decide they like it. It’s Taco Bell but it isn’t, and the power of BRAND helps to cover the tracks, and all of a sudden people are stuffing their face with rerouted tacos. It’s working so well, there was even a rumor that there was a US Taco Co coming to the heart of Chicago’s hipster paradise, Wicker Park, right on Milwaukee Ave. Close enough to compete with the traditional drunk taco shack Big Star.

McDonald’s is in deep shit too, even worse than Taco Bell. Sales are down, employees want to be paid like real people instead of numbers on an overhead sheet, no one wants to eat their antibiotic meat. And it seems like every two weeks someone finds a chicken head in their nuggets. Here comes BRAND to save the sinking ship: a burger joint in Australia called “The Corner.” And it’s working.

Be on your guard. BRAND works, even if you pride yourself on not being fooled by corporate schemes. Especially if you pride yourself on not being fooled by corporate schemes. And drunk you doesn’t care if your tacos are actually indie. The marketing people are determined to crack every demographic, and the group that defines themselves by being DIY, independent and anti-big business is seen as a challenge, not a deterrent. Make sure your only big company purchase is PBR.

I have a rule to never put down a 13 year old for doing something they love if it’s not hurting anyone. So good on you Brody Criz for making this video! It’s funny and cute and funny. Once all of your friends at sleep away camp see this video, you’re going to have the best summer ever.

As for everyone else… Please… Please… PLEASE stop making Bar / Bat Mitzvah aged videos for your kids. It’s ruining America (and sometimes Canada). Just look how much the older brother wants to kill himself.